After I posted yesterday, I got several emails, texts, and even a phone call from various loved ones asking if I am okay. The introverted part of me felt chagrined at having worried people I care about; the writerly part felt thrilled to have more than two confirmed readers (!)
I’ve decided to break from my editorial strategy and post immediately, instead of several days out from the experience I want to document. During this second round of treatment, I felt my absolute worst about a week ago. This past weekend, I started gaining momentum again.
I cooked and baked on Sunday. We had friends over for a long involved board game on MLK Day. Yesterday we went to the grocery store and I shopped: I lingered in the organic section and the baking/spices aisle just to see what was new and/or on sale. Today, it’s snowing lightly, the sky is that gorgeous pearly gray I’ve only seen here in New England, and I feel well enough to trudge around in it to grab some lunch.
On days like this – at this point in the treatment cycle – I don’t just feel better, I feel like me. I’m clearly mid-treatment, from the uneven stubble all over my bare scalp down to my doubled-up socks. But this version of me is recognizably me and that is nothing short of amazing.
On days like this, I get a sense of what I might feel and be like when this whole thing is over. On days like this, I can laugh at things that are funny and hold up my end of a substantive conversation. Cancer is still on my mind: I have accepted the fact that it will be, to some extent, for the rest of my life. But right now, on this day, cancer isn’t calling the shots.
If you or yours are also going through cancer, I hope you take this thought away after reading this post: even while enduring this hell, it is possible to feel moments of pure fluffy happiness. If you’re at the beginning of this slog, you probably won’t believe it. Goddess knows I laid awake just after diagnosis, utterly shattered, and I could not envision ever feeling positive or even equalized again. Still, I say to you, it’s possible. Try your best to recognize that kind of moment if it happens and let it breathe.
medicinal sausage 