This time around was the first time I really didn’t have the facility with words to string together anything that might make sense, while I was trying to get through each individual day – and I’m still hesitant to try and write something cogent right now at the beginning of day 5.
I feel I really ought to repeat, with emphasis, that chemo brain is real. It’s a separate thing from the mental fog that settles in the day after treatment, and for me it disconnects my brain from my tongue. It’s frustrating, it’s scary, and it’s bewildering, too. If you or someone you love is fighting to communicate during this time, just be patient.
The fatigue is also its own unique experience. I have spent much more time over the last few days just lying down, feeling exhausted, with my eyes wide open. My body hasn’t wanted to sleep: it has wanted to rest. Which means I lie around for a good hour or hour and a half at a stretch, shifting position and zoning out. I probably fall asleep for a little while, but I don’t nap. This has also been frustrating as hell as I’ve cycled through that pattern again, and again, and again.
Of course, I know full well that I’m staring down the end of this tunnel. I’ve got one more treatment left in a few weeks. Just one. That knowledge makes all the difficulty just a little more bearable, but only by a little. As much as I want to look ahead and I have been making plans for what comes next, the here and now is just too much. I have to stay mindful and be present, here, with what is happening in this blurry unmoored moment and take care of myself. I’m still tired and wobbly and aching just enough to feel compromised. I need to pay attention so I don’t fall down the stairs or create some secondary problem.
The thing is, though, in the end, I won’t remember any of this. I will remember, generally, the side effects and that I experienced them. But the previous stretches of post-treatment days are all, already, fading quickly. I hope I’ve documented enough of them to provide something useful to whoever is reading this blog and needs this information. Beyond that, these days will be gone and I won’t miss them.
medicinal sausage 