Now that the chemo is almost over – round 6 has been scheduled for early next month – I’ll be moving on to the second phase of treatment: radiation. I’ll be receiving it daily, every weekday, for almost six weeks.
I don’t know much about that process. Uniformly, everyone who has spoken to me about it has said, “It’s so much easier than chemo!” That’s reassuring, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not a terribly descriptive answer. I want, I need, the details – for my sanity and also because I need to start doing something normal.
I’ve heard stories of people who were able to work during radiation, who walked home after treatments, who felt nothing but ‘tired’ as a sum total of the aftereffects. The part of my mind that has been conditioned by Crohn’s Disease hears all of that and says, “That can be us. We know how to function under less than optimal circumstances.”
Technically that voice is correct: for me, compromised and tired is normal. But chemotherapy has given me a whole new perspective on being tired, and I’m just not sure what ‘tired’ during/after radiation looks like.
Today, I’m not sure about any of this. I’m not sure how I will feel, physically or emotionally, about being done with chemo. Relieved, most certainly. Drained, grateful, truly done, yes, all of those things. But turning right around afterwards and walking through another huge door? Right now, armed with ignorance, that feels impossible. Processing the enormity of this whole experience, start to finish, and making sense of it feels impossible.
medicinal sausage 